AT CROSSROADS: I Must Not Lose This Man!

I lived recklessly for years, trying to find a man who’d respect and love me for who I am. 

A lot of scums used me, in the name of relationships. I served them constantly; my juices, my sweat, myself, my forgiveness, my life. It never seemed like I was good enough.  

At one point, I swore to my friends that I had found the one. He was gorgeous! He smiled lavishly, like he could treat me like a queen. And he did that, for a year.

In the middle of our 3rd year together, I received a text message from a random number. It read, “Thanks for sharing.” I couldn’t comprehend. It was when the pictures started flooding in that I knew I was done for! A girl he was nasty with thanked me for sharing him??Even if she was high at the time on vile, it served me a purpose to get myself out of that relationship, heartbroken as I was! 

But I was back to square zero. Not 1, zero!

I was getting older. 28 turned 29, I wanted someone to love me desperately and have kids with me before all my eggs froze. 

Prayer turned fasting. Fasting turned church visits. It was a cycle. I gave up later, for even the church boys who started to disturb my peace were obviously unserious. You know when a guy is trying to flirt with you and he is acting like an absolute child. Saying irritating things like, “those jeans look great on you, I’m surprised your ass fit into those”. It was just nasty. And in church? Tueh. 

I gave up there, and prayed from home.

A day in November 2018, I met a man.

Sigh. 

That was it for me. In fact, the way my heart skipped 10 beats, I could win a lottery with the knowledge that he is the one. 

First, where did I see him? At the movies.

I was alone at the movies to go see ‘Merry Men’ and he was on the same queue I was in to get tickets. 

Thinking about it now, it wouldn’t have mattered if I wore rags that day, he would still have come to me the way he did. 

He walked up to me after I got tickets and joined me where I was getting my pop-corn. Smiling at me through beautiful teeth, I almost didn’t hear when he asked if we could sit and watch the movie together. 

My world must have paused in awe, my head going up and down in a nod took about 11 seconds. It was so natural talking to him that day, even though it felt like my heart would burst at any given moment. 

Was it a lack of a boyfriend, my desperation for one, or how easily I am to fall in love that made me feel this way? I don’t know. All I knew and felt – he was the one.

Fast forward to today, I’m drenched in tears again, tired of my life. And still in love with this man.

I don’t know how to deal. 

What could be worse than not being enough for the person you’ve given your body, mind, heart, and soul to?

I don’t believe in miracles anymore, but it might take one for him to see me the way he did before. 

Sometimes I wonder if I was born with misfortune, or it grew over time. 

This man and I clicked from day one. Like I said, it was so natural talking to him. Not to mention the love-making and everything else in between. It was bliss for us. At least for us both, as long as I can remember. 

Things started to change after a while. He complains about how I eat now, how I sleep, how I drink! It’s more like I can’t do anything right. I talk wrong. I cook wrong. I fuck wrong, even though we’d go 2-3 rounds sometimes. Everything I do, he complains about.

We don’t talk anymore like we used to, so it’s hard to sit at a calm with him and talk about our relationship. I feel like I’m losing him, but I don’t want to live to please anyone anymore. I want to live and be loved unconditionally. I need help. How do I do this and gain the love and respect I deserve back.

There’s got to be more to this, right?

I can’t go back to square 0. This is it for me!

Edith wrote from Nigeria.